I want to be very honest in this blog, because honesty matters especially when you are walking through something that does not seem to end.
Physically, I am having a really rough time right now.
I have been very open about living in a constant acute flare on top of a chronic illness for the last four months. But over the past couple of weeks, there have been additional complications layered on top of that. Things that I had slowly been adjusting to… things I had learned how to manage… have now become even harder.
My “new normal” from the last four months has shifted again.
And I cannot sit here and pretend that I have handled it without breaking down. I have cried at night. I have cried during worship. I have cried in church. I have cried in prayer. I have cried while writing prayers.
Prayer has become such a central part of my life that I even have what I call a prayer board envelopes filled with prayers for different areas of life: my family, my friends, my community, and so many others. I am in my Bible every single day. That is something I am deeply committed to. Right now I am doing five Bible studies, and tonight I caught up on my church Bible study something I have only been able to attend in person once because of these health complications.
Doctors. Emergency rooms. Hospitals. Exhaustion. Defeat.
But also prayer. Scripture. Worship. Faith.
All of it exists together.
A Conversation That Shifted My Perspective
Tonight I reached out to a woman from my community group an amazing woman with an amazing daughter. She is someone I can be honest with about the intersection of illness and faith… about the confusion that sometimes comes when prayers don’t seem to change circumstances.
She shared with me Paul’s “thorn in the flesh.”
2 Corinthians 12:7–10 speaks of a persistent struggle physical or spiritual that Paul pleaded with God to remove.
“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.” (2 Corinthians 12:8)
And God’s response:
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)
That truth is heavy.
But it is also powerful.
The thorn was not removed.
But grace was given.
Strength was given.
Purpose was present.
A “thorn in the flesh” reminds us that prayer is not only about relief. Sometimes it is about understanding God’s purpose. Sometimes it is about receiving strength to endure what does not immediately change. Sometimes it is about learning trust in ways we never would have otherwise.
Growth through ongoing challenge.
Dependence instead of control.
Grace instead of resolution.
That perspective matters especially when suffering is not temporary.
Loss, Change, and Unexpected Redirection
Part of my struggle has not only been physical it has also been vocational and personal.
I worked hard to build toward personal training. I earned certifications. I invested time, energy, and passion. I was excited. That was my direction in 2022 and 2023.
But then chronic illness intensified.
By the end of 2025, idiopathic chronic pancreatitis became significantly harder to live with. Physical training something I loved was no longer realistic because of pain.
When I first joined my church, I was still very active. I walked three to four miles daily. I was strong physically. Within weeks, that changed. I could no longer do what I once did easily. I began struggling just to keep up with normal life.
Now even attending group sessions has become difficult.
But strangely… blessings have existed inside the losses.
If certain things had not happened including moving from my last apartment — I would not be where I am now. This place I live in is not just an apartment. It is a home. It is peaceful, warm, welcoming. It is filled with Scripture, with reminders of Christ, with worship, with presence.
It is a space where people can feel peace when they walk in.
And I am deeply grateful.
Faith That Lives in the Ordinary
I am diligent in my faith life not because I am perfect, but because I desire closeness with God.
I worship through music.
I study Scripture.
I journal.
I learn.
I pray constantly.
I share this space with my granddaughter, and I pray that everyone in my home will one day share the same spiritual foundation. Everyone has free will and I respect that but my prayers continue.
I know I am not perfect. No human is. Only God is perfect. We are sinners who repent and Jesus died for those sins.
While I am here, I want to know Him more deeply. That is my priority.
And the truth is… suffering has deepened that desire.
Without trials, I would not understand gratitude the same way. Without hardship, I would not spend this much time in Scripture. Without weakness, I would not depend on grace the way I do now.
Sometimes I read about what Jesus endured for us and I cry. Truly understanding His sacrifice is overwhelming. It is love beyond comprehension.
But I also have moments of discouragement.
Yesterday I didn’t want to open my Bible. I have prayed for so long about certain things that have not changed. Sometimes faith feels heavy. Sometimes it feels confusing.
We all have those moments.
And in those moments, community matters. Prayer matters. Reaching out matters.
Discernment in Everyday Life
Recently I watched Wuthering Heights. I thought it was a well-made film but something in it unsettled my spirit.
There is adultery. There is obsession. A dark, consuming type of love.
Social media heavily promoted it, which drew my curiosity. But afterward, my discernment felt uneasy. I even posted about it briefly and then removed the post. It simply did not align with what I want to support or encourage.
I am not judging anyone who enjoys it. But for me, it did not sit right spiritually.
I want a love rooted in faith not obsession.
Commitment not betrayal.
Light not darkness.
What I Desire in a Relationship
If I ever have a partner again, he must be:
Empathetic
Kind
Faithful
Trustworthy
Respectful
Rooted in Christ
I want someone active in church. Someone who prays with me. Someone who honors waiting until marriage. Someone who lives faith not just speaks it.
That kind of relationship matters deeply to me.
Boundaries, Discernment, and Spiritual Protection
Recently I have received inappropriate photos from random phone numbers even though I do not give my number out and have not been dating or on any dating sites.
Those numbers are blocked immediately.
This behavior is not welcome. It is not appropriate. And anyone engaging in it needs serious reflection about character and respect.
If someone feels the need to demean others, gossip, or seek validation through attention-seeking behavior, that is a heart issue not a social issue. And I pray for those individuals sincerely, because brokenness often drives that kind of behavior.
But I will not give it attention.
Why I Share All of This
I share deeply now in my blogs because I want to help people who are struggling physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
I know what it feels like to hurt.
I know what it feels like to pray without answers.
I know what it feels like to keep going anyway.
Being kind… being compassionate… being present for others that is Christlike. That is what I want my life to reflect.
Where I Am Tonight
Tonight I will spend time in my Bible, working through the front pages of the last few chapters I am studying. That is where I want to end my day.
I will not promise daily posts anymore. Life is unpredictable. Health is unpredictable. But when I write, I will write with depth and with honesty.
If you are struggling, you are not alone.
If you are hurting, you are seen.
If you are weary, grace is still sufficient.
My prayer is that you have a blessed night… and a peaceful Sunday.
And if you are walking through your own thorn in the flesh may you find strength in the truth that weakness is never wasted in God’s hands.