Today, I don’t want to talk about what I did or didn’t do. I want to talk about something that really matters to me right now: conditional love and the difference between that and unconditional love and friendship.
Let’s start with a little clarity:
Conditional love or friendship means: “I’ll care for you if…”
If you act a certain way. If you meet my expectations. If you don’t mess up.
It’s love or connection given only when it benefits the other person or makes them feel comfortable.
Unconditional love or friendship means: “I care for you no matter what.”
There’s room for mistakes, growth, boundaries, and humanity. It doesn’t mean there aren’t limits, but it means your worth isn’t based on conditions.
And so many people confuse the two.
Here’s the truth: nothing real should cost you your peace. Whether it’s friendship or love, it should be given, not earned like a reward. If someone’s presence in your life always comes with a price emotional, mental, or otherwise then it’s not love. It’s control. And when you realize that, it stings.
I used to justify everything. I’d say, “They’re busy,” or make excuse after excuse because I love hard and deep. I believed that if I gave everything my time, my energy, my care I’d get the same in return. That’s not how it works. Not with the wrong people.
Inconsistency isn’t a personality trait it’s a pattern.
Because of my abandonment issues, I used to be too afraid to speak up. So I’d forgive and forgive and forgive because I thought that’s what love was. But I’ve learned that people who truly care don’t forget to show up for you. That’s not a thing.
I watched a video last night that said something that hit home:
“If you’re confused at all about any kind of relationship it’s a no.”
Wondering if you’re dating? It’s a no.
Wondering if they care? It’s a no.
Real love doesn’t leave you confused.
When you’ve lived in chaos, sometimes peace feels scary. You might even sabotage the good because it’s unfamiliar. I’ve been there. I left myself wide open, always available, always hoping maybe this time they’ve changed. I told myself, “Well, I’d want them to forgive me, right?” And so I let the cycle repeat.
But learning boundaries changes everything. And let me be clear
Yes, I’ve lost people because of it.
Yes, it hurt.
But I am not sorry.
Drawing a line and saying
"You can’t treat me like an option."
"You don’t get to come around when it’s convenient."
"I am not a backup plan."
That’s not harsh it’s self-respect.
And if that bothers someone, it says more about them than me.
I’m not ashamed of my mistakes we all make them. We’re human. But I refuse to lose myself ever again in any relationship that lacks consistency or care. I’ll still pray for people. I’ll still wish things were different. But I’ll do it from a distance.
Because what healing taught me is this:
My worth is not conditional.
And if someone can’t be consistent, they don’t get consistent access to me.
Love is choosing someone even when it’s hard, inconvenient, messy, or real.
And if someone can’t do that for you, please know:
You are still worthy. You still deserve amazing love. And you’re not alone in any of this.
Take a real look at the relationships in your life.
Are they lifting you? Or draining you?
I hope the people around you are showing up with real, genuine love because you deserve nothing less.
And I care enough to share that. 🖤