Journal Entries
Today was... an off day. And that’s okay.
Not every post is going to be positive or inspirational and that’s just real life. I woke up this morning not feeling great, and that feeling kind of stuck around into the evening. I ended up taking a four-hour nap which is not like me at all. But when I get that tired and there’s no other sign I’m sick, I know what it usually means: a pancreas flare.
Most of the time, I try to pretend it’s not happening. I make excuses, I push through. But today, I just couldn’t. After that nap, I knew. This is what’s happening. This is the reality.
Still, I did get in my 20th day of movement for the challenge this morning and a bit this afternoon which is something I’m proud of. I want to share more on the challenge about ways to get movement in that aren’t the usual routines. There are so many ways to move, even if you can’t get out of bed. That’s real, and it matters. I will on my Challenge page
I did manage to get a few things done today, but honestly, it was only because I put so much pressure on myself to always be doing something. I rarely let myself rest. I’m always on the go appointments, errands, just life. It’s rare I ever stop and ask, "Do I need to slow down today?"
Even though I wasn’t feeling like myself, I still pushed. And I need to stop doing that. That’s hard for me to admit.
Living with a chronic illness actually, two means that I won’t always have full control. Some days will just be slow and heavy. I think sometimes I pretend I don’t have them. Maybe I’m in denial. Or maybe I’m just tired. Tired of the limitations, of not feeling “normal.” But then again what even is normal?
Someone messaged me the other day and asked, “Have you developed diabetes yet?” We had never spoken before, and I found the question so invasive but it also struck a nerve. Because truthfully, that is the likely reality at some point. The pancreas does so much. It’s all connected to insulin and energy and everything else.
Most days, I feel like I never got to live the life I imagined for myself. Not that I have a bad life it’s just... different. More limited. And that’s hard.
So no, this isn’t the uplifting post you usually get from me. But it’s honest. It’s my real life today. I’m going to curl up and watch Sirens on Netflix (it’s weird, but kind of cool?) and rest. Hopefully tomorrow feels better. But if it doesn’t, that’s okay too.